12th
“Nothing is fine and everything hurts.”
I’m not sure were I got the phrase, but it echos through my mind every time I wake up, especially from naps. I wish I knew it’s origins - when it first entered my head as a concise series of words and not just a feeling. Maybe it’s just the inverse of “Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt” - Kurt Vonnegut.
I know I’m going to have a rough night when it echos continuously through my mind. And for some reason tonight, everything is running through me making my stomach flip. I think I got too used to calling my mom and talking for 2-3 hrs on a regular, almost daily basis. Sometimes about actual things bothering me and sometimes just about anything. She’d always dance around asking how I was doing so as to not bring it up if I wasn’t thinking about it, but ultimately asking.
“I’ve never kissed a girl with braces”
“I feel so close to you right now”
“It was perfect wasn’t it?”
“and that’s the way it will stay”
“How’s it feel to be kissed again?”
… as if I didn’t have a hard enough time forgetting words and phrases said to me. Now some of the most painful are etched into my mind with the other years of words I can’t let go. (something I’ve always prayed I’d grow out of.)
Italy. That’s the other thing that radiates through me. Italy. And I don’t know when the return is. I don’t know who all is there. I don’t know what they are doing. And I’m not supposed to care. Awesome. That’s just awesome.
Surreal.
