7th
Trapped and tormented by my own mind. By my own choices and my own history. Unable to escape the words and the images. The memories, the times I could have changed it all. Hindsight is 20/20 is such a painful phrase. This all would have been fixed if either of us gave just a bit a long time ago. That’s the absolute worst realization.
Simultaneously bitter that one person’s actions can so instantaneously change my life. That without warning (or maybe there was warning and I didn’t care to look at it) … you’re changing everything. There are things you’ve said to me that I would never have imagined you were capable of. I want to find the source of them. To find the source of all of your anger. All of your yelling. To understand why you feel this way. Why you made these choices. And I’m just bitterly unable to accept that I never will understand.
I wonder what you are really thinking and feeling. I wonder what you tell Andrew and Mark and the girls from work. I wonder the thoughts you had on your 22 hr plane ride. I wonder if you have hurt at all over this. If anything I’ve said has hit a mark with you. I wonder what you’re not telling me. I know you think you are doing the right thing by not saying anything in response to my hundreds of comments and questions. And in a way, I know you’re right because every time you do tell me something it hurts more than the last. It reduces me to a place where every inch of my body hurts - a place where nothing in my being can keep it together. But I also know that so often when you’ve said “I thought I was doing the right thing” … it wasn’t right at all.
I have the power to help myself. I want someone to swoop in and fix all of this. Someone to shake you or someone to take this pain away. To make it stop feeling like a giant hand is pushing down on me. But I can’t find that power. My inner strength is exhausted. It’s been battling for so many, many years and it just wants a vacation.
Last night I laid on the track looking at the stars trying to count the amount of times I’ve wished for us to live happily ever after. The phrase “childlike wonder” keeps running through my mind. I’ve lost my childlike wonder. I don’t believe in anything. I don’t believe in dreaming because it never comes true. Never. I haven’t had a dream come true yet. I thought this would be the one. Who knew the boy who never wanted to grow up would take away my childlike wonder.
My mom keeps telling me that it wouldn’t have been as perfect as I’m imagining. I’d like to feel that. But it’s so hard.
That weekend that I visited wasn’t as perfect as I thought was it? There’s a lot more in your brain that you never said. A lot more that you were thinking and experiencing that I didn’t know. How could you have not said anything. How could you have gone through all of those conversations about the future and not fixed the current or the past.
I’ve tried to say goodbye. And my heart just can’t do it yet.
