9th
All the things I can’t say to you are going on here. I’ve been banned from contacting you by myself and my support system. But I can’t stop getting these thoughts out.
A move into more rationality has left me feeling completely betrayed. I’m supposed to get mad at you. I’m told that’s the next step. To want to destroy you. And I can’t. I just feel totally betrayed and confused.
I just can’t believe that you so cleanly and easily betrayed me. You’ve never responded to my questions about what you thought I was thinking. What you thought I was doing. Did you just ignore it? Did you have to to be able to make this decision? That’s the only thing I can think. That you ignored everything to protect yourself. I keep trying to put myself in your shoes and figure out what was going through your head and I just can’t. You’ve said so many insanely confusing things.
You knew I was constantly following your blog. You knew I was thinking about you. I texted you almost every day. You knew I was doing research on every city you went to. You heard me say how much I loved you. I worked really hard to get you that card before you left so that you left knowing how completely I loved you. How completely committed I was to doing what we needed to do … to us. I thought it was one of the best things I’ve ever written. I kept a picture of it for myself on my phone. “And ill be there to welcome you back … and it’ll stay that way.” I was waiting for you. You heard me say a thousand times that I was doing everything to be where you are. I thought I’d said I’d never leave you again.
And then you came back and with no work at all just abandoned me. You made plans to travel the world with another girl. Another girl that you won’t even talk about. That you just say didn’t impact the decision at all - which there’s no way that isn’t true. She impacted it on some level and you know that. You have to know that. Many levels in fact. You didn’t just fall for her - you fell for her world, her lifestyle. It’s a complete and total lie to tell me she didn’t impact the decision.
That’s what I don’t get. How you could love me for so many years and say that you still loved me and say that you were super excited about everything that was happening with us, to have all of those conversations with me … and then cleanly, in one move, destroy it. You cried the last time you told me you lied to me. And it was over something so very much less consequential. Something that didn’t even phase me. How can you so evenly lie to me about all of this? About what you believed about me and what made your decision about all of this.
I keep thinking about how I was acting and feeling when I broke it off. I know that once I started thinking I needed to do it phone calls became a chore. Emails and conversations just made me panic. I was starting to shut down during any interaction. I had started to remove your things from my room. I had started ignoring things that reminded me of you even before that conversation. And I know it was for self protection. So I’m trying to think that all of the surprising things that you’ve said are your way of dealing with leaving. But trying to convince myself that you think you’re doing the right thing for me as well isn’t helping. It’s not. And I can’t even hear you say that.
When I broke it off we were both stressing over it. You were the first one to bring up concern over the relationship. You know it was coming on both sides. I didn’t just destroy you. We destroyed each other.
Maybe this all would have been easier if you hadn’t blindsided me. I can’t decide. This is just not the way any of this should have ended. It’s not.
I remind myself over and over of the words “I can’t and I won’t.” I know that you said those things. My mom keeps asking me if I ever think you’ll change your mind. And no matter how much I say no …. I’m just so … unresolved, confused ….
