12th
You weren’t perfect. You were everything I wanted and nothing that I wanted at the same time. I understand that. I don’t feel it yet, but I understand it. I just thought that we had both fought and worked so hard for this … but surely we would be happy. That surely this was the right answer. And if I could take out the distance barrier, it would be just right.
I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. My heart has left my body’s ability to function. To wake up, get dressed, go through the motions of work. My heart has curled up in a ball and is silently staring at the wall. Not even crying, just staring. It thought that after so many hard years of not knowing what it wanted, it had it all figured out. I stood in that apartment all alone while you were at work and sobbed. Wanting to never leave. My heart set on that image. It stayed there. And now you’ve forced it to leave and it can’t decide where to go.
I sound ridiculous right? I don’t even care. There’s years and years of issues I haven’t addressed that are just positively wrenching at my core. There’s a whole lot of issues past just “a boy is leaving me.” Through this whole process my mom has heard me say things out-loud that I’ve barely admitted to anyone.
