13th
This is exactly why I don’t like depending on anything. I make my own way. I don’t ask for help. I spent years working very hard to do my own thing and not need you. Saying over and over that I wanted my own life. Not to just follow your dreams. And as soon as I gave in. As soon as I said yes, let’s really do this. Let’s change both of our lives to make this happen. You left. You left without warning and thus far, without care.
I keep saying things aren’t fair. It’s not fair that you are leaving. It’s not fair that you didn’t talk to me about the decision. It’s not fair that I’ve worked this hard and this long and I’m left so confused. It’s not fair that you knew what you wanted to do (you always knew) and I didn’t. Which makes me feel pretty childish.
Before this even happened I had decided that the universe was pushing down on me. At one point through this I had decided the Universe had literally taken all that it could from me. I was surrendered asking what the world wanted from me. Some sort of instant karma situation? Some sort of atonement? You already had that from me. I was already trying to fix it and make things better. Why did this have to be the outcome? And who the hell am I talking to? What power have I decided exists that has determined or caused or contributed to my fate? I was already questioning my existance in the world and how it related to everything else. In fact one night I wrote you pages about what I thought I was coming to with my religious beliefs. A strong pull to the natural forces. The idea of Mother Nature. What the hell does the loss of love provide in a natural view? Why would we even have these feelings? Purpose might never be something I understand. Everything in the world just feels like a distraction. Watching tv, working, art … just all feels like people are distracting themselves from the fact that pain and suffering in life are inevitable.
Things have to go down before they go up right? Laws of nature that we use to comfort ourselves when shit hits the fan. But why? Why are those the laws of nature? Why must we suffer through so much for the moments of happiness? Look how philosophical this all has made me. Can you say lost and confused?
And I realized I keep thinking/saying “I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” He left Michelle. There’s no process to this on his side. You’re the one processing. His processing happened somewhere between “I love you and I’m excited to be with you/talk to you soon” and “I’m going to travel the world with some other girl.” Somewhere between those phrases coming out of his mouth he just walked away. He already left.
Am I ready for the conversation tomorrow? The first time talking on the phone in a week and I’m trying to promise myself I won’t hardly say anything let alone cry? I do actually need to understand right? I do actually need to hear these words.
I had an intense dream the other night that my mom actually analyzed perfectly. The key piece? Andrew was the gatekeeper to being with you. I had to talk to him and prove to him before I could get to you. I can’t stand the words that Mark and Andrew have said this shouldn’t be and that you’ve let that be a key bullet point in your decision. Since when did you let everyone else tell you want to do. And what happened to “they know you make me happy.”
My friends weren’t exactly thrilled either. They spent so much time with me hearing my struggle and watching me cry trying to figure out what to do. They watched me destroy myself when I finally made the decision to try to walk away. And I was telling them I was going back on it all. But you know what, they barely flinched. They saw how happy I was once I made the decision. Annie said she hadn’t seen me so happy in ages. Joe - the rational green - said “You’ve got a plan.” That was his blessing of sorts. Respecting that I was going to make my own decision on my happiness and respecting that I had a plan about how to get there. Andrew has some insane girl issues and Mark is settled, married and talking about kids in a few years. How could either of them understand this? I don’t expect my friends to understand. I expect them to give me their honest assessment of you, of this, of me …. and then to recognize that I’m going to need them when I fall.
I wonder what I dreamt last night because I’ve been shaking since I woke up.
